Attraviersamo!
Sunday, January 30, 2011 @ 3:15 AM

"What is happiness for you?", I asked a close friend of mine four years ago.

He replied, "Contentment."

It made a lot of sense to me back then. I will be happy if I learn how to be contented with who and what I have. Since that night, I stopped complaining that I live so far away from school. I told myself that it's okay because at least I get to see my mom everyday. I stopped wishing that I'm a culinary arts student instead of a political science student being pressured to become a lawyer in the future. I just told myself that at least my family  will be proud of me, and that someday I can be filthy rich. I stopped regretting that I dropped Math 17 back when I was still a freshman. I stopped thinking that if only I did not drop it, I would graduate with a laude onto my name. I just told myself that it's good enough that I will graduate from the premier university in the country.

I stopped longing for a complete family. I stopped wondering how it feels like to have a mother and a father, a normal family. I just became thankful for my mother and my extended family in the province. I stopped trying to get thin. I just chose to believe that if someone really loves me, he will see pass through my physical flaws.

When I got out of college, I applied in a call center, got hired, and got contented in it. It was physically and emotionally draining, but each time that I thought of giving up, I told myself that I should learn to love my job because at least I have a job. At least I get to eat what I want, buy the things that I like, and travel to different places. I would have stayed there and remained contented if not only for my family's wish to turn me into a lawyer.

I went to law school. I left law school after a month though because I knew it really wasn't for me. I was sad because I disappointed my family, but I thought at least I tried. At least I have proven that I am qualified to be a lawyer, it's just that my heart's not up for it. I looked for a job after six months. I applied and got hired as an English teacher in a Korean academy. The workload was toxic, the benefits teem of mediocrity compared with what other companies offer, and after a week I wanted to quit. However, I realized that I should not because I should learn to be contented. There are a lot of jobless people, at least I work in a posh building, at least I get to buy as many pairs of shoes that I like every month, at least I get to see my cute Korean crush everyday.

When someone chose someone over me (No, not Cris, another guy before Cris), I felt sad but I easily recovered because I just told myself that it's okay. He's out of my league and I should just be thankful that at least for a while I was the apple of his eye. When a circle of friends stopped inviting me out because that someone started dating someone else, I felt hurt but I just told myself that it's okay, it's enough that I got to try to mingle with rich kids and party at posh clubs. Since my social life had to go on a hiatus, I focused on
my job. I gained new friends and I started becoming contented with everything until I met Cris. As you know from my previous articles, he has a girlfriend. At first, I refused to be involved with him unless he breaks up with her and make me the one, his only one. However, I again started to be contented with what he can only give me. I thought, he's really not mine, so I should already be thankful for what he can give me. It was so painful, but I just told myself that at least I get to be with him more than her. I get to see, talk to, laugh with, dine with, and at the same time argue with him (hahaha) everyday. At least I know I got him confused on who he really loves (or did I?).

At least. At least. At least.

On that night, four years ago, I wish I also asked my friend this, "But, what is contentment?"

I wish I did so that I did not get contented with having "false contentment." My definition of contentment was incomplete. Contentment is not only about being happy with what you have, it is about being happy with what you have because you know you already did your best with all your heart and soul. All this time, I knew I could have done better in life and love but I was always too coward to try. I was so afraid of failure and rejection, so I ended up always choosing the easy road. I grabbed what I can easily grab and believed that I'm lucky because at least I have grabbed something. I always choose to be "contented" because it was convenient to be contented. Now that I realize it, it's like I never really lived at all. Yes, at least I lived, but I never really lived at all.

I was so wrong, but it's not yet too late. I will start living with all my heart and soul this year, and I won't rest until I can say, "I'm happy because I'm contented with how I LIVED my life."

*Note: I wrote this piece an hour before I out of the blue had the idea to watch the movie Eat.Pray.Love. A coincidence? Maybe, or maybe it's also meant to be. Attraviersamo! :)

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